i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
