My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
