Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
