need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
