thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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