Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Semen is not good for contacts.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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