Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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