Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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