ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
