i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
