Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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