I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
