i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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