The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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