My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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