They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
