The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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