thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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