at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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