two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
