Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
