Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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