If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
