Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My liver just had a heart attack.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
