the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
