Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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