I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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