Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize