Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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