dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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