So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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