If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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