checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
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