just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Randomize
