She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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