it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
