When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
