He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
