It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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