omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
