I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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