So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
