Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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