can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
