I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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