Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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