Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
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