Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
