I faked an abortion last night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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