Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
