So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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