After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
