i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
