I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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