Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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