I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
