it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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