Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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