There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
